Friday, August 31, 2007

3 Clothing Pet Peeves

1) Flip Flops:



Can someone explain to me why anyone wears these outside of communal locker rooms/showers or for beach or poolside uses? They have got to be the dumbest piece of footwear ever created, and I am also including those horrible sneakers with spring heels. Those are pretty hideous but they seem to serve some sort of purpose. I am always astounded at the vast number of people walking all over downtown San Francisco (where I work) with flip flops on. Do they not know the sidewalks are covered in pee, poop and barf? Or, at the very least, pee molecules, poop molecules and barf molecules? Do they want some random rodent that lives in the Mint building to come bite their toe and give them 101 diseases? I saw some tourist dude who was maybe swearing in German as he hopped down the street on one foot while he cradled his other flip-flop clad foot in his hands because it had a huge, bloody gash on it! This is the city taking it's revenge on your stupid footwear choices! And you know what? Safety aside, the majority of people who wear flip flops have some NASTY HOOVES. And none of us want to see them. Cover that shit up!!

2)Shirt tucked in with no belt:


(P.S. ZACK ATTACK!!)


This makes me almost murderous with rage when I see it. I don't know why - maybe someone who tucked their shirt in and didn't wear a belt killed my family or touched me where the bathing suit covers or stole Christmas or something. I really have no logical explanation but it's like the red cape to my bull-self. I totally want to kill/maim/destroy when I see it because it seems so very wrong. I mean, hi, there's belt loops for a reason! And so many cute belts out there to slide through them. The worst offenders of this are Men Who Tuck In Their T-Shirts. This prompts almost as violent a rage in me but not quite. The only person that is acceptable from is James Dean and that is because he was hotter than the sun. And nary are any of you are James Dean, so don't even try to play that shit. If you're going to tuck something in, wear a belt. But if you don't and suddenly I am behind you stabbing you with a gigantic knife well, now you know why.

3)The Hipster V-Neck T-Shirt:



Dear Baby Jesus,

I was told you love us all and will protect us from harm. But clearly I was lied to because you've allowed this abomination to walk among us. Is it punishment for our sins that we have to see the sunken chests and sternum bones of every greasy-haired, ugly-mustached hipster boy in existence? Is there perhaps some sort of penance we could do to right this wrong? I would be willing to give up chocolate and porn and Buffy on DVD for a whole month or something! Just tell me what I need to do so I never have to see this ugly-ass bullshit again.

Hugs and kisses,
Chriso

P.S I especially hate it when they pair these shirts with some sort of horrible neckerchief or scarf. It makes me believe the devil has won.

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