Better Off Dead
Dear John Cusack,
I really don't know what you're trying to accomplish by doing this. Or what you were thinking when you did this or this or this. In fact, looking at your entire IMDB page, it seems like it might've been a good idea for you to retire or place yourself in a rocket aimed at the sun once you wrapped High Fidelity. Although I would've been more than fine if you quit after Grosse Pointe Blank. I didn't hate High Fidelity, it just felt like kind of a melange of all your winning roles - like a Greatest Hits of John Cusack and you were all crying in the rain about 101 times. And also, Jack Black kinda bugs the shit out of me.
But seriously dude, I have been seeing the previews for 1408 and it is not pretty. And by "it" I mean "you". Are you drinking too much? Dying your hair too much to look like you did in your heyday? Something is...off. I mean, you are the person who once inspired my friend Christopher to drunkenly write a song in one night entitled "Dear God, Before I Die I Want To Bury My Face In John Cusack's Butt." I don't think he'd be singing that tune now (he was way drunk like I said, so I doubt he remembered it even the next day but you get what I mean). I know I wouldn't be singin' it. And it's not just cuz you're lookin' waaaay less than fine. It's mainly cuz you've spiralled downward into this horrible stew made of hack-y romantic comedies and craptastic horror films. You're new movie coming out is so The Shining on the 13th Floor has a Grudge on my Ring or something. It looks just PAINFULLY bad and your outfits is heinous and makes you look like a 70 year old retiree. Remember when you were this guy?
I miss that guy. And not just cuz he was hotter than lava. But because he made good movies and I liked watching them and I didn't stare aghast in abject horror as the preview for one of those movies scrolled before my eyes. I think maybe you need to go get in a time machine and find that guy and bring him here and you can just hide out in the past and like, become a tax auditor or something. I think you've got the look for that.
Hugs and kisses,