Dear Madonna,

I'm sorry, but uh-uh:



Why is she dressed like the drag queen version of Lil' Abner's girlfriend Daisy Mae? And what exactly will she be confessing on said dance floor? That she is tired of the effort it takes to fake a British accent? That the red string bracelet is really just to remind her to buy milk the next time she's out? Maybe she will confess that she is really really embarassed at her hubris in thinking she could co-opt the trappings of any race or culture and act like she discovered them and brought them to the world? Or is she going to confess that she's SO mortified that she rapped on her last album and that she still wakes up screaming, drenched in sweat, praying it was all a bad dream?

I remember when I liked Madonna. I remember when she made fantastic pop music and was a sexual insitgator. Then she started to feel the need to Make Music With A Message. I stopped being really into her around Like A Prayer but there were still songs off following albums that I enjoyed. I always liked "Secret" until I saw the video where she had an afro wig and a gold tooth and the "secret" was Harlem. Woah, Harlem?! None of us had ever heard of that before! Thank you white lady, you have cultured the ignorant masses!

Once Ray of Light happened I was like "No, I'm sorry, I don't buy it". I am not saying she isn't more spiritual. I am not saying she hasn't changed. But since she has been changing 8 times a week for the last 20 years, it's hard to see any of it as permanent. I read an interview where she was really upset that people did not believe in her dedication to Kabbalah. Is that really so shocking? I assumed that it was another fad she'd be into for 5 minutes before launching onto the next thing. I was waiting for the day when she tried to bring Pennsylvania Dutch culture and fashion into vogue, but nary did the day arrive.

And yet, I am sure her new album will be hailed as (yet another) return to her club roots. But honey, those roots are more fried than the ones on her head. And I can only imagine what really "new" stuff she's come up with on the album. Maybe she will try to convince us all she invented the mash-up, just like she "invented" vogueing.